Good morning everyone! The sun is chirping, the birds are shining, and last night’s acid is still coursing through my veins. We’ve been blessed with a truly beautiful day for staying inside, chugging cheap beer, and spitting obscenities at T.V. screens. Football is my favorite drug-like pastime, so Super Bowl Sunday is the last euphoric dive into ecstasy I get before going on a cleanse. To kick-start this final high, I’m going to predict and bet on everything that’s going to happen in Super Bowl 50.
- The National Anthem
I don’t know who’s doing it this year, but I sure do hope he/she sucks. When our National Anthem is played beautifully, it can bring a tear to the eye of even the most hardened of war vets, but when it sucks, we get to laugh about it forever! It’s one of those things that can become a cultural running joke. No one cares when it’s sung well. The singer is getting paid to do it, they should at least do it well, right? Fuck no! The Super Bowl is a massive 4+ hour entertainment extravaganza! Let’s start it off with the shittiest singing performance in the history of mankind.
- A ratio of no less than 10 notes sung per each syllable with an over/under 15 notes sung one the words “home” and “brave” in the last line.
- The singer will forget at least one line.
- The camera will pan to the Golden Gate Bridge at least twice.
- The camera will pan to a crying spectator. Bonus points if that spectator is on the Golden Gate Bridge.
2. The Coin Toss
The last Super Bowl the Broncos played in was played in MetLife Stadium, home to my New York Jets and a lesser home to the New York Giants. Who came out to perform the coin toss? Broadway Joe Namath, famous quarterback for the New York Jets’ Super Bowl III win. He looked like a deflated leather football and was wearing about 10 foxes worth of fur; it was fucking hilarious. He was a manifestation of PETA’s worst nightmare. This year, the Super Bowl is in San Francisco, home of the 49ers. The 49ers have a famous Super Bowl-winning quarterback too, Joe Montana, a man who is more famous now for silly Papa John’s Pizza commercials. I’m hoping he comes out in some sort of tacky, Papa Johns’ themed leather jacket and carrying a large Papa John’s pepperoni pizza.
- The pizza will land pepperoni side down.
- The pizza will taste better than Domino’s Pizza even after it hits the ground.
- Phil Simms will mention he played against Joe Montana at some point (even if he doesn’t actually do the coin toss)
- Jim Nantz will be contractually obligated to mention his stupid “Garlic Nantz” slogan.
3. The First Snap
When Peyton Manning lined up under center for the first time in Super Bowl XLVIII, the ball launched over his head and into his end zone resulting in a safety effectively destroying the Broncos’ chances of winning. This year, I’m hoping something else happens. Literally anything else. A hawk swooping down and carrying the football to its nest would be less destructive. Odds are that the first play will run smoothly, but I’m not here to bet on the good odds. The real money is where the astronomically bad odds are.
- The first snap will catapult itself 60 yards down the field, get kicked around by defenders and referees alike, spin around in circles resulting in a Scooby Doo-esque chase scene, and finally be recovered by the offense for a touchdown.
- They’ll miss the extra point.
4. The Half Time Show
It’s Coldplay this year, so, uhh, it’ll be pretty boring. There won’t be any petrified-looking anthropomorphic dancing sharks or giant, mechanical bulls like there were last year. I haven’t listened to Coldplay since “Viva la Vida” came out in 2008 and I refuse to believe they’ve been famous since then. So, I’m going to act like it’s 2008 again when I was 15 and thought Metallica and wallet chains were still cool. I’m going to go to Hot Topic, buy Misfits sweatbands, purple jeans with pre-cut holes, a Monster Energy drink and loiter at my local 7/11. Then I’ll go play Call of Duty: World at War and shout your mama jokes and racial slurs until my bedtime. Sounds like fun.
- I’ll be too drunk to give a shit about Coldplay by half time. Or:
- I’ll be drunk enough to actually enjoy Coldplay by half time.
5. Peyton Manning’s Arm
Peyton Manning is 39 years old. That’s pretty young in normal human years, but in a sport where a car crash is comparatively safer far you, 39 is fucking ancient. His arm hasn’t been good in years and he runs away from defenseman like a baby giraffe does from lions, but he still finds ways to win football games. He’s the most mentally prepared athlete in almost all of sports, he is still impeccably accurate with the football, and he’s probably on enough HGH and painkiller injections to shrug off a few gunshot wounds, but that doesn’t mean his arm will survive 60 minutes of torture.
- Peyton Manning makes it until the 3rd quarter before his arms flies away with a pass. Both will be intercepted by Luke Kuechly and be returned for a touchdown.
- John Elway comes in relief of Peyton Manning and wins the Super Bowl after a 98-yard game-winning drive.
6. The Outcome
In all seriousness, this Super Bowl is shaping up to be a fun one. Cam Newton is a young, super-athletic black man who plays the position like no other has before. Peyton Manning is the crotchety old professional who refuses to let age bog him down. These men are Bernie Sanders metamorphosed as football players and we get to watch them take each other on in a 4 hour spectacle of physical prowess. It’s gonna be a fun one.
- Panthers win 34-30.
- They jump out to an early 28 point lead, the Broncos come back to take a 30-28 lead in the fourth quarter, but Cam Newton leads the Panthers on a game-winning drive.
- They miss the extra point.